You're completely useless in the revolution.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
