Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
