I faked an abortion last night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
