I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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