I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
