The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
