Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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