Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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