i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Vodka?
Forever.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
