Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
