I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
