Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
