I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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