Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
