Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
