thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
