So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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