i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
