Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
