Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Randomize
