I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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