Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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