he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
