I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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