I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
FUCK WHALES
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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