Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
