so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
