Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need water and some morals
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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