I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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