you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
