I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
