We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Randomize
