Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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