handjob tips. give me some.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
