somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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