I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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