i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
