It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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