I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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