this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
