DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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