i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
