She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
