im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
