You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
