I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
