u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
