i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
