she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The Olympian is in my bed
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
