I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
